No Guts, No Glory
by DetectiveMinerva
Summary: Mort and Seth are no slouches when it comes to arguing, but throw in an afternoon of pumpkin carving and a generous helping of seeds and orange guts, and it's every man for himself!


This story came from an OTP prompt that I turned into a BrOTP idea. In this tale, Mort and Seth are arguing - what else is new? - while carving pumpkins. As you can imagine, hilarity ensues and seeds are soon flying all over the place.

My thanks goes out to Pieces of the Moon for her input on this one. There aren't enough stories about Mort and Seth's friendship out there!

 _Imagine your BrOTP carving pumpkins together, and Person A is really good at it. Person B isn't so good, and decides to play around and throw pumpkin guts over Person A's head. This turns into a play fight where they both end up covered with the insides of the pumpkins until Person A surrenders._

* * *

"You're a real pain in the fanny, you know that?"

"Jealousy's a sin, Doc. Didn't you learn that in Sunday School?"

"Ayuh. I _also_ learned that pride is the worst sin of 'em all. Did _you_ learn that in Sunday School, _Sheriff_?"

"Yeah, but this isn't pride. I like to call it a gift."

"I hope you kept your receipt."

"Hey, it ain't my fault you're havin' trouble."

"Just because I'm handy with a scalpel doesn't mean I can turn overgrown gourds into works of art. I'm not Michelangelo or Donatello or –"

"Or any of the Ninja Turtles, yeah, I know."

"Well, I'd look pretty darn stupid with a big shell on my back."

"Yeah, but it'd cover up the butt you've always got on your shoulders."

Seth Hazlitt glowered as he plunged his carving knife into the bottom of a fat, orange pumpkin. Halloween only came once a year, and darn it, the activities involved were supposed to be fun. Carving pumpkins had always been a great time when he was growing up, and it had been even better in recent years, ever since he and Jessica Fletcher had taken up the tradition together. This Halloween, though, Jessica needed an extra hand carving pumpkins, as the finished jack o'lanterns were to be presents for the children in the hospital, who couldn't go trick-or-treating with the other kids.

Naturally, Mort Metzger was the first person she turned to. Seth wouldn't have minded this at all, had his own old-fashioned carving style not been put to shame by the sheriff. As it turned out, Mort was a crackerjack carver, slicing and dicing at the pumpkins until he had hollowed out the fruit and created terrific-looking pictures: cats, witches, ghosts, and other ghouls. Adele's doing, he'd explained. She'd given him lessons in pumpkin-carving herself, using her own knife from her days as a Marine.

Now guiding his knife through the pumpkin's face, Mort watched Seth with some amusement as the doctor sawed out the bottom of his own pumpkin, pulled the meat free, and began gutting the fruit with a large metal scoop. "Why do I get the feeling you're imaginin' you're drawin' and quarterin' me instead of that pumpkin?"

"I am doin' no –" _Squelch!_ "Such –" _Hack!_ "Thing!" _Splat!_ "I'm tryin' to get these dad-blamed seeds out of this pumpkin so I can make a new jack o'lantern!"

"Oh, you mean one that looks just like the other three you made?"

Seth stopped eviscerating his pumpkin and looked over at the three previous jack o'lanterns he had carved. Granted, he wasn't the artist Mort was, but he'd made some pretty darn good, traditional faces in the pumpkins, if he did say so himself. "What's wrong with 'em?"

"Nothin', 'cept they all look the same."

Seth frowned. " _That_ is part of their charm. A true classic never goes out of style, I'll have you know."

"No, but you know how kids are. They go for what's new, what's hip…" Mort carved out one last piece and turned the pumpkin around to face Seth. "What's cool."

Seth flattened his lips. A vampire's face, complete with fangs, was etched into the pumpkin's ridged orange skin. "Nobody likes a show-off, Mort."

Mort grinned. "No, but they do like guts, Doc." He chuckled and set the jack o'lantern aside before choosing another pumpkin.

Seth was frowning so hard, he was sure he was carving out another Grand Canyon between his eyes. Nobody was going to say he had no guts when it came to Halloween. _No guts, eh? We'll just see about that._ Slowly, he reached for the scoop. "Hey, Mort..."

Mort looked up from his pumpkin just in time to be slapped in the face by a hurtling ball of cold, slimy pumpkin guts. Seeds exploded everywhere. Letting out a disgusted groan, the sheriff wiped the guts from his face while Seth guffawed. "What'd ya do that for?"

"You said the kids like guts," Seth said, still laughing. "I thought I'd give you a hand."

Mort shook his head. "You know somethin', Doc? I always knew you had guts, too." Before Seth knew what hit him, Mort had scooped up a heap of guts and seeds and hurled them at the doctor's face. _Splat,_ dead center. "See?"

Seth spat a few seeds out of his mouth and grinned at the sheriff. "Of course, you realize this means war."

"Bring it on. I got plenty of ammo!"

It was pandemonium. The pumpkins lay forgotten as seeds, guts, and slime flew back and forth across the kitchen table. Before long, both Seth and Mort were completely soaked in the mess, their clothes dyed orange from the guts, and covered in seeds from head to toe. This did not deter them in the slightest, though. Neither one was going down without a fight, especially not Seth. He kept grabbing handfuls of seeds and pulp with his bare hands and grinding them into Mort's face, while the sheriff returned the favor by stuffing Seth's shirt with the frigid guts. The fight was getting so messy and the two of them were so busy fooling around that they almost didn't hear the throat being cleared behind them. Almost.

The two of them snapped to attention as though they had just been shot in the butts. There, on the kitchen's threshold, stood Jessica, arms folded, foot tapping, lips pursed, and blue eyes staring them down. She did not look happy to see them or the mess they'd made in the kitchen, and Seth did not blame her in the slightest. "Aw, _crap,_ " he heard Mort breathe next to him.

"Good word, Mort," Jessica said, her eyes roaming over their seedy selves.

"We can explain, Jess," Seth began, but Jessica held up a hand to silence him.

"I don't want to know. I think I have a good idea of what happened. You two started arguing about some little trifle, as usual, and one of you started this mess by throwing pumpkin guts at the other."

Seth felt his stomach give a jolt when he realized she was staring directly at him as she said this. "Why are you lookin' at me?"

"I know you were the one who fired the first shot, so to speak. Seth, you can handle patients' complaints all day, but you cannot take an insult. And besides that, who else would turn a simple day of pumpkin carving into a remake of the Italian grape fight on _I Love Lucy_?" Jessica then rounded on the sheriff. "And you are just as bad as he is, encouraging him by returning the shot. You probably even egged him on to begin with." When Mort's guilty expression gave him away, Jessica shook her head at the castigated pair. "Honestly, sometimes I just don't know what to do with you two. You're like a couple of little boys having a food fight. Look at you both!"

Unintentionally obeying her, Mort and Seth turned and looked at each other. Up and down, taking in their now-orange skin and their seed-coated clothing. Slowly but surely, Mort's mouth began to twitch, and Seth felt the same itch along his own lips. The next instant, they were busting their guts, laughing at each other and the absurdity of the whole thing. And not even Jessica could resist the mirth, as she joined in with her own brassy chuckles.

"You two are idiots, you know?" she choked, wiping joyful tears from her eyes.

"Yeah. But we're not so stupid we don't know how to apologize," Mort said, gazing right at Seth. "I'm sorry for ribbin' you like I did, Doc. I just wanted to have a little fun."

In spite of himself, Seth smiled. "Aw, it's all right, Mort. _I'm_ sorry for throwin' the pumpkin guts in your face and startin' this whole thing."

"Hey, it was actually kinda fun. And to show you there's no hard feelings, I'm callin' the surrender. You win, Seth." Mort extended his hand to the now-grinning doctor. "Friends?"

Seth grasped his friend's hand and pumped it hard. "Friends," he said, pulling Mort into a bear hug.

Jessica ducked out of the way as they clapped each other hard on the back, sending more seeds spinning through the air. "Good. Now that that's settled, I'm sure you two can bond over cleaning up my kitchen… that is, after I've hosed you two off."

" _What_?" Seth and Mort exclaimed together.

"You heard me. It's either out in the backyard to be hosed off, or you can take turns showering and then work together to de-orange the bathroom afterward, _in addition_ to your kitchen duty." Jessica crossed her arms again and smiled. "Now, fellas, what's it to be?"

Contrary to the urban legend that started after the events of that day, Mort and Seth did _not_ run around the backyard in their underwear while Jessica sprayed them with the hose. It was true that they did run around in the falling water, albeit fully clothed and laughing loud enough to rival any ghost of Halloween. Most importantly, though, it marked a day of bonding for the doctor and the sheriff, who saw their friendship deepen into brotherhood. And it took real guts to admit that a pumpkin fight made better men out of them. As Jessica so aptly summed up the event for years afterward: no guts, no glory.


End file.
